The Cost of Sharing

Picture this, you are sitting at your favorite bookstore, perusing the selection. You notice a title that interests you and pull it off of the shelf and settle into the first chapter. You are engrossed in the book and almost to chapter four when a super nice older woman notices you. "Hey that book looks interesting," she says "I think it's my turn to read it". Taken aback, you tell her, "I'm sorry, I had it first, there are plenty of other books to look at”. At this point, a store employee notices the conundrum and comes over. He looks at you with disappointment in his eyes and says "that isn't very kind. You need to share it with this nice lady. She would like a turn". At this point you are flabbergasted that someone would expect you to give up a book that you had found first and you start to get upset. Much to your shock, your defensive responses gain even more disappointment from the store employee and he takes the book from you to hand to the older lady. At this point, you are downright mad but trying to stay calm, you try to explain to both of them that you are not finished and that she can have the book when, and if, you are finished with it. The store employee is more than upset and can't believe your poor manners. He asks you to leave the store and not return until you can be kind. Meanwhile the older lady has taken the book, and is settled in a chair, happily reading. Maybe she'll like the book, maybe she won’t. You leave the store feeling very misunderstood, upset, and invalidated.

Now replace yourself with a child, the book with a toy, and the employee with a parent or teacher.

Sharing is something that is as common as crayons when it comes to young children. They are constantly told to share when they have had something for an allotted amount of time, when someone new joins the group, or when they are hosting a friend at a playdate. They are taught that sharing means kindness and that if you have a problem with it, you aren't being kind. I have two large problems with this concept;

Problem #1- It is teaching children that they have a right to someone else's property. It is teaching them that it is perfectly acceptable to expect someone to prioritize another person’s happiness above their own. As a child, you can just walk up to someone, say "hey I want that and you need to give it to me because that is what sharing is". This is instilling a sense of entitlement at a young age. One that is not realistic for the real world. Take the example at the bookstore earlier. Did it sound as ridiculous to you as it did me? In-fact, I could argue that in that scenario, the older lady would be asked to leave the store. This means, the concept of sharing is setting children up for failure and emotional hardship. It is creating habits that will need correcting.

Problem #2- Now shift to the later years of life. We are now expected to set boundaries, prioritize ourselves, and not give into peer-pressure. How can we expect our children to be able to master these life-skills when we have been teaching them the opposite from the start? Demanding that a child give something up just to make someone else happy, is DIRECTLY teaching them to value other people's happiness above their own. We are instilling in them the very thing we fear will happen when our children reach their teen years and adulthood.

I’m not saying that a child shouldn’t be taught to consider another person’s wants and happiness. I’m not even saying that a child shouldn’t share. I AM saying that it should be their choice. I AM saying that we can empower our children to both value other people’s emotions while still valuing their own.